these letters are for you, my sweet max

by christy on October 3, 2009

Dear Max,

I’m sitting alone in our little apartment on in Astoria, Queens, watching Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring and taking a break from cutting stencils for an alphabet to put on your walls. It’s a rainy Saturday at the beginning of October and for the past two weeks at least two of us, between yourself, your daddy, and I, have been sick to some degree.  We think we had the swine flu, which in these days a lot of people are terrified of, but we aren’t too concerned, except for the possibility of you getting it, since it’s more seriously affecting children and young adults than most flu strains. A few weeks ago we went to Seattle, you and I, and you must have picked up a cold on the plane because you were sick there. You were fine again up until last weekend, with a terrible cough and runny nose, blue little lips that scared me but I was suddenly sick so your daddy took you to the doctor, who said it’s just a virus, and blue lips for babies are normal. Today you are suddenly much better but I’m much worse.  I’m taking your humidifier tonight, and possibly your heater, too, since management hasn’t turned it on yet.  You and daddy are out for a walk. It’s getting dark and the lights from ConEd are shining into our apartment. It’s a strangely beautiful view that allows us to see plenty of sky, a rarity in NYC, and even a bridge and piece of the Bronx.

I’ve meant to keep a blog about the first days of your life since you were first born.  Unfortunately that didn’t happen. In ten days you will be nine months old. I could wait for a perfect time to start, but I’ve spent much of my life waiting for “perfect timing” of things, and have finally learned that perfection is an impossibility in this life.

I’m writing this to you because last night I was lying in bed, pondering the possibility of dying from this cold (haha!) and thinking about how much I want you to know I love you. You and your daddy are all that matter to me. I love you both so very much and will always love you both so very much.

I know I won’t always be the best mother, but I’m going to try. I kiss you and hold you as much as I can now, while you’ll let me. You’ve recently learned to hold your hands out to me when you want to be held. I know you will stretch those arms out to me for a few more years, and then those same hands will push me away for a time. There will be times I drive you crazy, and times you drive me crazy. I’ll make rules for you that you won’t like, but what I want most in this world is for you to be a good man, happy and healthy, who will find the love that your daddy and I have found with each other, and a man who loves the Lord. I hold you in my arms now and that’s all I want. You are most precious to me, a great gift from God that I cannot believe he has given me. Soon after I married your daddy, I realized that all I really care about is being a mommy to you and a wife to him, and spend as much of the next 18 years with you as you’ll have me. I gladly give up any career for you; there is nothing I could ever do that would be as great a privilege as raising you.

That’s a long start to these letters for you. I just want you to know the great love I have for you, and will always have for you, no matter what.


Your mama

(P.S. – the previous posts were from another blog I kept while pregnant with you. I’ve decided to import them here for you so you can see a little of what it was like for me to have you inside my belly.)

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